Memories and thoughts on abuse that I've suffered at the hands of my parents

I used to pride myself on how I mothered when the kids were little. But now that my two oldest are teenagers, I can say that I honestly don’t know what I am doing more times than not. And it breaks my heart to not know how to deal with my oldest daughters problems.

High School can be so…..brutal. Kids are unnecessarily cruel, and talk about their ‘friends’ behind their back whether or not they do anything. If they are a virgin, kids talk shit. If they sleep around, kids talk shit. If they don’t smoke, they talk shit. If they do smoke, they talk shit. It is a vicious cycle that makes me more times than not want to keep my kid at home; safe and protected.

I never had that problem really when I was a teenager. I was too busy trying to keep my head above water, so to speak. Maybe it’s because I lacked the ‘teen’ mindset and just didn’t give a damn about what people said about me. Maybe it was because I was too caught up in trying to survive the life I lived back then. But I guess now it is different because I am the Mom watching my kid spiral downward from the mean-ness that the other kids inflict upon her.

I am not one of those mothers who think that my kid is not to blame at all. Oh, I am the opposite. When my kid is wrong, I tell her. But when is enough, enough? I don’t have a mother I can call, or go have a cup of coffee with and ask for advice. I am flying alone here, Utterly alone and blind.

These kids where I live are unforgiving, and uncaring. And when my daughter tries to kill herself and succeeds, who am I to blame? Me for not being a good mother? Because I am doing everything I can to get her help and try to keep her safe. The school because they are not properly addressing situations? They do what they can with what they know. But somehow none of this is enough.

If I had someone who was worth their weight in mother-hood, maybe I could get some advice on how to better deal with all of this. Maybe my every waking moment wouldn’t be consumed with trying to figure out where I went wrong, or what I could do differently to help her. All of these maybe’s, and nothing ever solid. It is all a vicious cycle that I am not handling well at all.

My wish is that we could move out of this damned town for the sake of our daughter. But economically speaking, we just can’t do it. That is not even a possibility. Otherwise we would probably be down south by the Smoky mountains or something. I want out of this nightmare. I want to break the cycle of bad mothers. But I guess that all goes back to, I’m alone it this.

When my kid is going to the restroom to text me and tell me that she wants to leave her school and never come back, there is a problem. She loves school. She loves to go to school. So what in the Hell is making her want to leave? I know a teenagers life is full of drama, but this is more. More because my daughter has emotional problems as it is. I cannot afford for her to be this upset for nothing other than because her ‘friends’ feel like messing with her. It is utter bullshit.

I will be the first to admit that she has made some stupid, stupid choices. But considering that I know probably more than other parents, she is by no means the worst kid out here. My point to that is, even though she has made some stupid decisions, went against her father and me time and time again, I still love her with every fiber of my soul and do not feel that these other kids; these little monsters are even aware of what they’re doing. Of how far they’re pushing. Of what will come of this.

I am a mother. I do what I can to protect mine. But I can’t be with her every minute of the day. And one day, I fear that she will do something extreme. What do I do then?

And as with any other problem I face in life, I always wonder, is this what happens when you don’t have a mother? Maybe it is my fault because I was a young mother. Maybe I should have waited, because I can see, comparing my mothering from when I was 19, to mothering when I was 25 (my age at the birth of our youngest), is almost incomparable.

And still every day I ask myself, what can I do differently to give her the mother she needs?….

I may post another blog later on about a memory or something. But for right now, I just really needed to vent my frustration. Thanks for reading!

xoxo