All I Ever Wanted

As far back as I can remember, all I ever wanted was to be a Mommy. I wanted so bad to be a mommy because then no one could ever take my family away from me. My babies would be mine; my own little family that no one could ever take from me. That is not how it’s turning out. I just don’t know what to do anymore, friends….I am lost.

I am losing my family bit by bit, a little more every day, and I don’t know if I can handle it. Lately, I have to stay close to the bathroom because I am vomiting more than I care to admit, I think because of my nerves. I am shaking more and more, and today, I am finding it more than difficult to keep my emotions in check. How did I even let it get this far? I’m not so sure.

But I am becoming more and more aware with each passing “shenanigans” that I’m not a good mother. I’m not so sure that I am mediocre. And I can’t even allow myself to use the excuse that I try. There is no excuse for bad parenting.

I’m not even sure why I am writing this right now when it is obvious to me that I am just raw right now. There are no friends that I can turn to, no family. I am alone to deal with this as best as I can, which isn’t very well, I’m afraid. Honestly, I feel like I am losing my mind and no matter how much I beg and scream for help…..even a shoulder…it falls on deaf ears and cold hearts.

I have never had a hand up. I imagine that it would be nice if I had. But right now, I am just saying fuck it all. I’m done. All I have ever done is try, and it has never been good enough.

I had ‘friends’ in broadcasting school who went on to get jobs, and even though I was good, I could never get one of them to help me. Not that I expect a hand out. I was/am willing to work my ass off. But not once has anyone given me the opportunity. Fuck em.

I have a family. A rather large one to boot. But, no one there has been willing to help me, save an aunt that I was estranged from for several years until quite recently (due to my grandmothers sickness). To that I also say: fuck em.

I have friends. Actually I know a lot of people who profess to be my friend. But, when I need that shoulder, or I need that ‘friend time’ their nowhere to be found. So, to that I also say: fuck em.

But to you, my faceless, and sometimes nameless friends who read this blog; whether it be out of sheer curiosity, or actual wonder if I’m doing well, I say: Thank you.

xoxo

2011

10/25

POSTED BY

tbnagy

CATEGORY

My Memories

TAGS

depression
done with life
upset

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